Dear Aunt Madge,
I don't really have a problem, I just wanted your opinion on something. My daughter-in-law is involved in this baby beauty pagent business. I don't know how much money is spent and really it's none of my business, but I don't like seeing my grandbaby looking like she hangs around street corners. I swear that five year old has more make-up on her face than that Tammy Baker person back in the 80's when her minister husband stole all that money and her mascara would just roll down her face while she cried and...where was I. Oh yes. Not only does my grandbaby have fake teeth and fake hair and more make-up than a drugstore beauty counter, but she's now got fake boobs! Yep. Can you believe it! What five year old needs fake boobs?
Now I tried talking to my son about it and he just says "they're having fun," but I don't see my grandbaby having fun when she cries at every rehearsal.
I tried talking to my daughter-in-law about it but she told me to quit meddling.
Am I wrong?
Grandma to a Barbie Doll
Dear Grandma,
First I want to scream. Just wait a moment while I do that. AUUGGHHH! There that's better. Hope I didn't hurt your ears.
You are not wrong. Unfortuneatly there's nothing you can do about it, at least not as far as trying to convince your family otherwise. You do not want to alienate them. Your granddaughter needs someone like you in her life to ground her because right now her mother is mesmerized by trophies and promises of fame and a self loathing because why else would she put her little girl through all that.
I think we should start a movement and demand an overhaul of the baby beauty business. Some of these people involved have seriously lost their marbles on the playground of false hope. First off, ever look at child models in catalogues and commercials? They look like real kids. Ever seen a tv show or a movie with kida in it? They look like kids. No one wants a little girl who looks like a porn star to sell their products. Yes, I said it. Porn star. Which is sad since we're dealing with five year olds. And what producer, director, company is going to want to deal with the mothers of the fake barbies? I swear I saw one of these little ones singing about how people liked her booty. I almost threw up but I was sitting on my new couch and I didn't want to wreck it.
Since you can't get through to the people who are supposed to care the most about their kids the next step is to talk to the organizers. First get organized with as many people as you can find. Make up signs, write letters, picket these contests. When you finally get some attention show them your manifesto of rules. My suggestions:
1. No fake anything unless it's an animal costume. Most children can't grow tails and whiskers so that's acceptable.
2. Make-up if any should be kept to a bare minimum because spotllights can make your face disappear. And no makeup if it's just happening on an open stage in a small room. In fact no make-up at all and that way everyone's face will just disappear. Unless she's wearing an animal costume.
3. Limits on how much is spent on outfits. No little girl needs a 2000 dollar dress unless she's a part of a singing family and they're performing on America's Got Talent in the final rounds. Let's just make it that all costumes have to come from the second hand store. You can find animal costumes there sometimes.
4. No behavior or songs allowed that can't be performed in a church gymnasium. This goes for the animal skits too. This includes swishing hips back and forth and come hither looks.
Frankly I think these girls look prettier with braids, missing teeth and scabs on their knees.
Just remember beauty is in the eye of the beauty industry who can convince everyone else to spend a fortune on their products.
Friday, September 2, 2011
Thursday, June 30, 2011
50 Ways to Leave Your Mother - Okay 7 Ways to Kick Out Your Son
Dear Aunt Madge,
My 30 year old son lives in our basement. I've raised four children and three managed to move out on their own. I've always wanted to have a sewing room down there, but this boy won't budge. He complains about the way I do his laundry and he's very demanding about his meals being on time and not wanting to eat a lot of what I make, so I have to make special things for him. He's a slob and I'm constantly cleaning up after him. He won't even make his own bed and I have to do it for him. Now he's complaining about the house rules saying that he should be able to entertain women down there. His father likes having him around because they watch sports together and he's our baby. "Don't worry he'll grow out of it," he always says. Frankly, I'm tired of being his maid and I want to dance naked in my kitchen, down my hallway and in my living room. Am I a bad mother for wanting my child to leave home?
Signed,
Expired Maternal Instinct
P.S. He has a job but doesn't pay expenses because he needs to save money to buy a house.
Dear Expired,
It's a good thing that I don't have my own TV show - well not good for me but good for you - because then you would have to look at my face. Right now my eyes are wide with astonishment and my mouth is hanging open and it ain't pretty.
So you're complaining because you have a son who won't leave a house where he has free rent, free meals, and free maid service. Now who's fault is that?
No you're not a bad mother for wanting him to leave. You're a bad mother for making it too easy to stay. But all is not lost. There are several things you can do. Here are an assortment of suggestions. Pick what you will from them but pick something.
1. YOU HAVE TO DO THIS ONE! STOP! Stop doing his laundry. Stop doing his cleaning. Stop doing his cooking. Stop buying him food. Stop lending him the car. Stop doing things for him. I know, I know. He's your baby and if you stop cleaning then things will pile up and bugs will come and termites will eat your home and the government will descend and declare your house a hazardous zone. It's not going to happen. If it gets too bad just get a shovel and put stuff in garbage bags and put it out in the trash. Lock your fridge and cabinets. Keep his mess contained to his room. If you're worried that he'll break your washer and dryer, don't let him use your washer and dryer. Hide the detergent. He can go to a laundromat and ruin their machines. If you can't keep him out of your fridge and cabinets then get rid of all your food and start eating out. If your husband complains about the expense then show him the expense of keeping your son around (note suggestion 2). Anything that he leaves lying around the house is confiscated. Keep it for yourself, give it away, sell it, or throw it out. If you have to pick it up then he doesn't get to have it. No exceptions. If this is hard for you, you could arrange deals where he has to buy back his property either through money or service. If he wants something done, he has to pay you in advance. Real money, honey. Call it your trip to Europe, build a sewing room, buy a car you always wanted fund.
2. Make up an expense report of all the money he has cost you since his high school graduation or 18th birthday. This includes the food he eats, the utilities he uses, any money he borrows, the rent he doesn't pay and any other costs that he has. Show this to your husband. When he sees this in black and white you'll more likely get him on your side. Show him what you could have done with the money your son has cost you. Like the cruise you always talked about, season tickets to his favorite team, that cabin you wanted to buy or the big screen TV he always wanted to watch his sports.
3. Give him an eviction notice with a date that he has to leave by. He will most likely ignore it. But you won't. Stick to it and be gutsy even if it means that all his stuff ends up on the front lawn. Change the locks on the door. If you want to show him some kindness you can let him have a tent and a sleeping bag.
4. Send him and his father away for a camping weekend or something. Now gather your girlfriends and Nate Berkus. You know that sewing room you want? Time to claim it. Clean out the basement of everything you don't want down there (his stuff), and repaint, repaper, and refurnish. Make it as girly as possible. Make it you. Put a lock on the door and don't give him a key. You can use the money you saved on not buying him food and shutting off the hot water when he takes a shower (did I mention doing that?).
4. Take out an ad in the newspaper and announce that your 30 year old still lives at home and refuses to leave. Make sure you give his real name. You can also put a sign on your front lawn with the same information.
5. When he brings women to the house, tell them all about him. And I mean every embarrassing he has ever done. Then ask him if he needs you to go to the store to get him some more adult diapers because he used the last one the previous night. Be sure and ask him if he also needs some more cream for that rash of his. I know you want him to get married and out of the house but it's not fair to inflict him on some woman until he can take care of himself.
6. Do tours of his room. Show all your friends and anyone else who might be interested. You could post FREE TOURS on the sign on your front lawn.
7. Hold a garage sale of all his things.
Will he hate you? Probably. But if your children don't hate you sometimes then you probably haven't done your job right. One day when he's standing on his own feet and has his own place and possibly even a wife, he will thank you . Really.
Just remember, a bird in the hand will poop on your lifeline.
My 30 year old son lives in our basement. I've raised four children and three managed to move out on their own. I've always wanted to have a sewing room down there, but this boy won't budge. He complains about the way I do his laundry and he's very demanding about his meals being on time and not wanting to eat a lot of what I make, so I have to make special things for him. He's a slob and I'm constantly cleaning up after him. He won't even make his own bed and I have to do it for him. Now he's complaining about the house rules saying that he should be able to entertain women down there. His father likes having him around because they watch sports together and he's our baby. "Don't worry he'll grow out of it," he always says. Frankly, I'm tired of being his maid and I want to dance naked in my kitchen, down my hallway and in my living room. Am I a bad mother for wanting my child to leave home?
Signed,
Expired Maternal Instinct
P.S. He has a job but doesn't pay expenses because he needs to save money to buy a house.
Dear Expired,
It's a good thing that I don't have my own TV show - well not good for me but good for you - because then you would have to look at my face. Right now my eyes are wide with astonishment and my mouth is hanging open and it ain't pretty.
So you're complaining because you have a son who won't leave a house where he has free rent, free meals, and free maid service. Now who's fault is that?
No you're not a bad mother for wanting him to leave. You're a bad mother for making it too easy to stay. But all is not lost. There are several things you can do. Here are an assortment of suggestions. Pick what you will from them but pick something.
1. YOU HAVE TO DO THIS ONE! STOP! Stop doing his laundry. Stop doing his cleaning. Stop doing his cooking. Stop buying him food. Stop lending him the car. Stop doing things for him. I know, I know. He's your baby and if you stop cleaning then things will pile up and bugs will come and termites will eat your home and the government will descend and declare your house a hazardous zone. It's not going to happen. If it gets too bad just get a shovel and put stuff in garbage bags and put it out in the trash. Lock your fridge and cabinets. Keep his mess contained to his room. If you're worried that he'll break your washer and dryer, don't let him use your washer and dryer. Hide the detergent. He can go to a laundromat and ruin their machines. If you can't keep him out of your fridge and cabinets then get rid of all your food and start eating out. If your husband complains about the expense then show him the expense of keeping your son around (note suggestion 2). Anything that he leaves lying around the house is confiscated. Keep it for yourself, give it away, sell it, or throw it out. If you have to pick it up then he doesn't get to have it. No exceptions. If this is hard for you, you could arrange deals where he has to buy back his property either through money or service. If he wants something done, he has to pay you in advance. Real money, honey. Call it your trip to Europe, build a sewing room, buy a car you always wanted fund.
2. Make up an expense report of all the money he has cost you since his high school graduation or 18th birthday. This includes the food he eats, the utilities he uses, any money he borrows, the rent he doesn't pay and any other costs that he has. Show this to your husband. When he sees this in black and white you'll more likely get him on your side. Show him what you could have done with the money your son has cost you. Like the cruise you always talked about, season tickets to his favorite team, that cabin you wanted to buy or the big screen TV he always wanted to watch his sports.
3. Give him an eviction notice with a date that he has to leave by. He will most likely ignore it. But you won't. Stick to it and be gutsy even if it means that all his stuff ends up on the front lawn. Change the locks on the door. If you want to show him some kindness you can let him have a tent and a sleeping bag.
4. Send him and his father away for a camping weekend or something. Now gather your girlfriends and Nate Berkus. You know that sewing room you want? Time to claim it. Clean out the basement of everything you don't want down there (his stuff), and repaint, repaper, and refurnish. Make it as girly as possible. Make it you. Put a lock on the door and don't give him a key. You can use the money you saved on not buying him food and shutting off the hot water when he takes a shower (did I mention doing that?).
4. Take out an ad in the newspaper and announce that your 30 year old still lives at home and refuses to leave. Make sure you give his real name. You can also put a sign on your front lawn with the same information.
5. When he brings women to the house, tell them all about him. And I mean every embarrassing he has ever done. Then ask him if he needs you to go to the store to get him some more adult diapers because he used the last one the previous night. Be sure and ask him if he also needs some more cream for that rash of his. I know you want him to get married and out of the house but it's not fair to inflict him on some woman until he can take care of himself.
6. Do tours of his room. Show all your friends and anyone else who might be interested. You could post FREE TOURS on the sign on your front lawn.
7. Hold a garage sale of all his things.
Will he hate you? Probably. But if your children don't hate you sometimes then you probably haven't done your job right. One day when he's standing on his own feet and has his own place and possibly even a wife, he will thank you . Really.
Just remember, a bird in the hand will poop on your lifeline.
Thursday, May 13, 2010
When Motorcycles Seduce
Dear Aunt Madge,
My husband insists on keeping his motorcycle in the dining room. Not only that, but he spends a lot of time taking care of it. I swear his motorcycle is his mistress. I've tried talking to him, but nothing gets through. How can I get rid of this thing?
Hogg Widow
Dear Hogg,
By thing, do you mean the motorbike or your husband? Let's assume you mean the bike. I don't know if you can get rid of it, it would be easier to kick a mistress to the curb, but maybe you can create a peaceful co-existance. I've come up with several ideas for you.
1. Decorate the bike. Go wild. Pick a theme, like Princess, or French Country. Or maybe you can decorate it seasonally. Tinsel and ornaments at Christmas, paper hearts on Valentines, stuffed bunnies in leather at Easter, you get the idea. Do not be afraid of paint, glitter and glue.
2. Use it as a rack to dry your delicates.
3. Feed your husband dinner in the garage. He seems to be confused about what the different rooms in the house are for anyway.
4. Take the bike out yourself and claim the room as your sewing/zen/gift-wrapping room and warn him that anything left in there that doesn't belong will get fair treatment with a sledgehammer.
5. Sell the bike - this one is risky, it could lead to divorce, but you can always use the money for a lawyer.
6. Move your husband's things into the dining room including a bed. Tell him if he likes the bike so much he can sleep with it.
7. Call up the local tv and radio stations and announce that you will be giving free guided tours of your home and the crazy room where the bike is. Be ready with stupid stories about your husband. You could do number 1 in combination with this.
8. Go on holiday to Europe without him. You won't get rid of the bike but then you won't have to look at it either. Adopt an accent, and send photos back home of you drinking wine with handsome European men.
9. Everytime you see the bike point to it and cry "it's after me." Wake him up in the middle of the night and tell him you had a nightmare about the bike chasing you. Hide under a table and cry about the bike stalking you. Claim that the bike says mean things to you. Board up the dining room so the bike doesn't "get you." If this doesn't make your husband move the bike then refer to number 8 and stay there.
10. Serve dinner in the dining room every night and set a place for the bike. Ask the bike to pass things and cut up it's meat for it. Tell the bike that if it doesn't eat all of it's food you will banish it to the garage for a time out - and then do it.
I hope one or some of these suggestions can help you. Just remember, honey, a man's home is his castle - and we all know a castle is cold, uninviting and filled with barbarians unless a woman claims it as her own.
My husband insists on keeping his motorcycle in the dining room. Not only that, but he spends a lot of time taking care of it. I swear his motorcycle is his mistress. I've tried talking to him, but nothing gets through. How can I get rid of this thing?
Hogg Widow
Dear Hogg,
By thing, do you mean the motorbike or your husband? Let's assume you mean the bike. I don't know if you can get rid of it, it would be easier to kick a mistress to the curb, but maybe you can create a peaceful co-existance. I've come up with several ideas for you.
1. Decorate the bike. Go wild. Pick a theme, like Princess, or French Country. Or maybe you can decorate it seasonally. Tinsel and ornaments at Christmas, paper hearts on Valentines, stuffed bunnies in leather at Easter, you get the idea. Do not be afraid of paint, glitter and glue.
2. Use it as a rack to dry your delicates.
3. Feed your husband dinner in the garage. He seems to be confused about what the different rooms in the house are for anyway.
4. Take the bike out yourself and claim the room as your sewing/zen/gift-wrapping room and warn him that anything left in there that doesn't belong will get fair treatment with a sledgehammer.
5. Sell the bike - this one is risky, it could lead to divorce, but you can always use the money for a lawyer.
6. Move your husband's things into the dining room including a bed. Tell him if he likes the bike so much he can sleep with it.
7. Call up the local tv and radio stations and announce that you will be giving free guided tours of your home and the crazy room where the bike is. Be ready with stupid stories about your husband. You could do number 1 in combination with this.
8. Go on holiday to Europe without him. You won't get rid of the bike but then you won't have to look at it either. Adopt an accent, and send photos back home of you drinking wine with handsome European men.
9. Everytime you see the bike point to it and cry "it's after me." Wake him up in the middle of the night and tell him you had a nightmare about the bike chasing you. Hide under a table and cry about the bike stalking you. Claim that the bike says mean things to you. Board up the dining room so the bike doesn't "get you." If this doesn't make your husband move the bike then refer to number 8 and stay there.
10. Serve dinner in the dining room every night and set a place for the bike. Ask the bike to pass things and cut up it's meat for it. Tell the bike that if it doesn't eat all of it's food you will banish it to the garage for a time out - and then do it.
I hope one or some of these suggestions can help you. Just remember, honey, a man's home is his castle - and we all know a castle is cold, uninviting and filled with barbarians unless a woman claims it as her own.
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Time to Bring Out the Camera and the Locksmith Tools
Dear Aunt Madge,
The other day I found a bottle of cologne in my husband’s car. He rarely wears cologne around me and he’s often gone for days at a time on sales trips. I couldn’t help but wonder just who he was trying to smell good for. When I asked him about it, he got all defensive and said “what’s wrong with a guy smelling good? You’re just paranoid.”
Am I being paranoid? I’m starting to wonder about the bills now. He never lets me look at them insisting that he’ll handle the finances and he has an office in our house that he locks and I don’t have a key for.
And he often leaves the house late at night saying he needs some fresh air, or he goes to the movies but doesn’t invite me to come along.
Is this man hiding something?
Suspicious and stupid.
Dear Suspicious,
I would grab a trench coat and a magnifying glass and turn into Nancy Drew if I were you. That man is hiding something. It could be anything from being a secret smoker, to having another family, or even being a world international spy, which would be kinda cool as long as he was playing for the right side and you get to drive the flying sports car. I’m sure that if you asked him he would have a simple explanation for everything and it would be a lie. So don’t ask him. Just one of those things doesn’t necessarily mean that something’s going on, but when you put all of them together then you have every right to be suspicious.
Honey, you are not stupid. Even if he is playing games behind your back, being loving and trusting is not stupid. It’s required in a good marriage. He’s the one being stupid for putting your marriage in jeopardy and not being honest with you.
He’s thrown down the gauntlet. Pick it up girl and fight for yourself. Break into that office and go through the credit card bills. Put on a black outfit, smudge your face, and follow him one night when he leaves. Invite a friend along for an eye witness and a shoulder to cry on. Bring a camera and take plenty of incriminating pictures. Check his cell phone when he’s sleeping. If you call one of the numbers and a woman answers pretend that you’re from the IRS and make sure you get her personal information. You want to be sure of what’s going on before you make any drastic moves. You need to know the truth or it will drive you crazy, or worse get you some disease that you can’t get rid of.
Shooting and poisoning, although pleasant to think about, are not viable options. And hanging him by his toes and torturing him may be difficult to do alone. You want to do something that will have you come out ahead, like divorce him, take everything he has, and then move to Tuscany where all divorced women dream of going. Then you can become a famous writer or meet a handsome man, or both. Either way, you’re in Tuscany. Just remember, it’s better to have loved and lost, than to be stuck with a loser for the next twenty years.
The other day I found a bottle of cologne in my husband’s car. He rarely wears cologne around me and he’s often gone for days at a time on sales trips. I couldn’t help but wonder just who he was trying to smell good for. When I asked him about it, he got all defensive and said “what’s wrong with a guy smelling good? You’re just paranoid.”
Am I being paranoid? I’m starting to wonder about the bills now. He never lets me look at them insisting that he’ll handle the finances and he has an office in our house that he locks and I don’t have a key for.
And he often leaves the house late at night saying he needs some fresh air, or he goes to the movies but doesn’t invite me to come along.
Is this man hiding something?
Suspicious and stupid.
Dear Suspicious,
I would grab a trench coat and a magnifying glass and turn into Nancy Drew if I were you. That man is hiding something. It could be anything from being a secret smoker, to having another family, or even being a world international spy, which would be kinda cool as long as he was playing for the right side and you get to drive the flying sports car. I’m sure that if you asked him he would have a simple explanation for everything and it would be a lie. So don’t ask him. Just one of those things doesn’t necessarily mean that something’s going on, but when you put all of them together then you have every right to be suspicious.
Honey, you are not stupid. Even if he is playing games behind your back, being loving and trusting is not stupid. It’s required in a good marriage. He’s the one being stupid for putting your marriage in jeopardy and not being honest with you.
He’s thrown down the gauntlet. Pick it up girl and fight for yourself. Break into that office and go through the credit card bills. Put on a black outfit, smudge your face, and follow him one night when he leaves. Invite a friend along for an eye witness and a shoulder to cry on. Bring a camera and take plenty of incriminating pictures. Check his cell phone when he’s sleeping. If you call one of the numbers and a woman answers pretend that you’re from the IRS and make sure you get her personal information. You want to be sure of what’s going on before you make any drastic moves. You need to know the truth or it will drive you crazy, or worse get you some disease that you can’t get rid of.
Shooting and poisoning, although pleasant to think about, are not viable options. And hanging him by his toes and torturing him may be difficult to do alone. You want to do something that will have you come out ahead, like divorce him, take everything he has, and then move to Tuscany where all divorced women dream of going. Then you can become a famous writer or meet a handsome man, or both. Either way, you’re in Tuscany. Just remember, it’s better to have loved and lost, than to be stuck with a loser for the next twenty years.
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
Anna Gets Involved
Dear Aunt Madge,
I am an at home mom. It is not at all feasible to work outside the home. I have gone that route and ended up spending more money in daycare than what I was making. I have checked all the at home jobs and they are all nothing but scams and you have to put out money. I have also tried the home demonstration route and, again, not worth it. Is there anything out there today that allows me to work at home with a legitimate company and make a decent salary without digging into my own pocket?! Please help!!!
Looking for work in NJ
Dear Looking,
I know just what you’re talking about.
“Me too.”
“Anna, go away. She’s asking me. Go write next week’s column.”
“But I want to know what you’re going to tell her.”
“You can read it in the newspaper like everyone else. Now go.”
“Fine. But I’m not helping.”
“You can’t help anyway. You don’t have the magic answer.”
Good. She’s gone. Now where were we? Oh yes.
Honey, there’s isn’t anything that I know of. You could try starting your own business, not those scam businesses that are on the internet, but something using your own ideas with your own talents. Mrs. Fields made cookies in her kitchen. Martha Stewart stole other people’s ideas and clients working right at her dining table. There’s some lady who came up with the idea of blue nail polish which if you ask me looks stupid but everyone went out and bought some and made her rich.
Now I’ve looked into some “work at home” businesses. There was one that wanted me to make crafts but I had to first pay them to make the crafts. There’s the home party businesses which isn’t really working at home since you have to go to people’s houses to do demonstrations and then you end up chasing all your friends away because they see you coming and know you’re going to ask them to host a party so they start making up excuses about how they have to wash the dog and take the kids to baton twirling class. And don’t get me started on those MLM’s.
“No don’t get her started on those.”
“Are you back? Go away.”
“Just helping.”
“No, you’re not. You’re hindering. Go clean out your fridge, there’s mold growing in there.”
By the way, if someone approaches you with a business idea where the point of the business is to get other people to join the business, then run. Run like the wind. Run fast and run far.
“Run Forrest, run!”
Then there are the ones that come into your email box saying how you can make a million on the internet, but first you have to buy their book.
“Hey, maybe that will work. Have a book made up about how to make money. Charge people $49.95 plus shipping and tax and then when they open it, all they see are the words ‘that’s all folks.’”
Now Honey, I don’t know of any business that actually hires people to work at home. That doesn’t mean there isn’t any. I just don’t know of one. If I did, then I would be doing it, and so would Anna who is reading over my shoulder right now and won’t go away no matter how much I elbow her in the ribs. Not that I can find her ribs.
“Hey!”
It’s sad really. You would think that as a society we could find ways to help mother’s stay home with their children and still help out the family financially. But society doesn’t recognize the value of mother’s staying home with their children. People are only as valuable as the money that they can bring home. Why I’ve even heard of the government being willing to pay day care so that a mother can go flip burgers while someone else takes care of her children, rather than have the mother take care of her own children. It’s a travesty, I tell you! It’s wrong! It’s…
“Aunt Madge…”
“What, Anna, can’t you see I’m busy here!”
“Yeah, but, you’re starting to foam at the mouth.”
“This whole thing makes me perspeckled.”
“You were perspeckled before you started answering this question.”
“I’m ignoring you.”
Now, lets get back to the question. The answer is, I don’t know. If you find something, let me know. In the meantime, just remember, that if there’s fuzz on the pickle, it’s time to throw away the jar.
“What is that supposed to mean?”
“I thought I told you to clean out the fridge.”
I am an at home mom. It is not at all feasible to work outside the home. I have gone that route and ended up spending more money in daycare than what I was making. I have checked all the at home jobs and they are all nothing but scams and you have to put out money. I have also tried the home demonstration route and, again, not worth it. Is there anything out there today that allows me to work at home with a legitimate company and make a decent salary without digging into my own pocket?! Please help!!!
Looking for work in NJ
Dear Looking,
I know just what you’re talking about.
“Me too.”
“Anna, go away. She’s asking me. Go write next week’s column.”
“But I want to know what you’re going to tell her.”
“You can read it in the newspaper like everyone else. Now go.”
“Fine. But I’m not helping.”
“You can’t help anyway. You don’t have the magic answer.”
Good. She’s gone. Now where were we? Oh yes.
Honey, there’s isn’t anything that I know of. You could try starting your own business, not those scam businesses that are on the internet, but something using your own ideas with your own talents. Mrs. Fields made cookies in her kitchen. Martha Stewart stole other people’s ideas and clients working right at her dining table. There’s some lady who came up with the idea of blue nail polish which if you ask me looks stupid but everyone went out and bought some and made her rich.
Now I’ve looked into some “work at home” businesses. There was one that wanted me to make crafts but I had to first pay them to make the crafts. There’s the home party businesses which isn’t really working at home since you have to go to people’s houses to do demonstrations and then you end up chasing all your friends away because they see you coming and know you’re going to ask them to host a party so they start making up excuses about how they have to wash the dog and take the kids to baton twirling class. And don’t get me started on those MLM’s.
“No don’t get her started on those.”
“Are you back? Go away.”
“Just helping.”
“No, you’re not. You’re hindering. Go clean out your fridge, there’s mold growing in there.”
By the way, if someone approaches you with a business idea where the point of the business is to get other people to join the business, then run. Run like the wind. Run fast and run far.
“Run Forrest, run!”
Then there are the ones that come into your email box saying how you can make a million on the internet, but first you have to buy their book.
“Hey, maybe that will work. Have a book made up about how to make money. Charge people $49.95 plus shipping and tax and then when they open it, all they see are the words ‘that’s all folks.’”
Now Honey, I don’t know of any business that actually hires people to work at home. That doesn’t mean there isn’t any. I just don’t know of one. If I did, then I would be doing it, and so would Anna who is reading over my shoulder right now and won’t go away no matter how much I elbow her in the ribs. Not that I can find her ribs.
“Hey!”
It’s sad really. You would think that as a society we could find ways to help mother’s stay home with their children and still help out the family financially. But society doesn’t recognize the value of mother’s staying home with their children. People are only as valuable as the money that they can bring home. Why I’ve even heard of the government being willing to pay day care so that a mother can go flip burgers while someone else takes care of her children, rather than have the mother take care of her own children. It’s a travesty, I tell you! It’s wrong! It’s…
“Aunt Madge…”
“What, Anna, can’t you see I’m busy here!”
“Yeah, but, you’re starting to foam at the mouth.”
“This whole thing makes me perspeckled.”
“You were perspeckled before you started answering this question.”
“I’m ignoring you.”
Now, lets get back to the question. The answer is, I don’t know. If you find something, let me know. In the meantime, just remember, that if there’s fuzz on the pickle, it’s time to throw away the jar.
“What is that supposed to mean?”
“I thought I told you to clean out the fridge.”
Wednesday, August 6, 2008
Recipe For Insanity
Dear Aunt Madge,
My kids are driving me crazy! My son dumped out all the sugar today, all over his head and, consequently, all over the floor. When I saw him I wanted to cry. Sugar is a little sticky when it gets wet, too. Mopping wasn't such a brilliant idea.
My daughter took the scissors and cut her hair. Not her bangs, she cut her hair that hadn't been cut ever. She cut it clear up to her head! I wanted to cry again. No, I wanted to scream!
Do you know how long it takes to grow hair? This type of thing happens all the time. I need a break! What can I do?
Crazy Mom headed for the Insane Asylum
Dear Crazy Mom,
Honey, you’re already in an insane asylum. Going to another one isn’t going to make it any better. You’ll just meet grown ups who do the same thing, you’ll have to wear paper slippers, and you’ll have to try and cut your meat with a plastic spoon. And you most definitely do not want to take a bath there.
Now, it’s no use crying over spilt sugar. Why I once remember my daughter taking cooking oil and putting it all over the kitchen. Honey, sugar is nothing compared to oil. I learned how to skate in that kitchen. And then I got the brilliant idea to use flour to soak it up. Here’s a tip, don’t do that.
No one is going to look at your daughter and think you gave her that haircut. In fact people will come up to you and tell you stories about when their kids cut their own hair. At least she hasn’t died her hair purple and put it in a spiked Mohawk—yet .
Yes, you do need a break. Tell that husband of yours to take care of the kids and then run away for the weekend. Go to a friend’s house (one without kids) a hotel, or a B&B. You can go alone or with girlfriends, whichever you prefer. Eat chocolate and pasta, watch TV, read, shop, get massages and your hair done, write in a journal, giggle, do whatever it is that will help you feel better and as Sister Oprah says, “renew your spirit.” Because right now, you’re spirit is old and tired and sagging and doesn’t take pretty pictures.
I really believe that mothers need to run away every now and then. It helps prevent her from running away forever. After all, taking care of children is a 24 hour job. Now if you had a job outside of your home that took that much time and effort you would have been in a loony bin long ago. That’s why they send you home at the end of the day and they give you two weeks vacation every year.
And maybe your family could use a break from you, especially if you’ve reached the point where you’re a hysterical maniac.
Now if you don’t have a husband or a mother who can help, then send your kids out to friends for a sleepover and take at least the evening off. No washing dishes or cleaning house. You’re on vacation for an evening. If you’re a single mom, you need a vacation more than most.
Just remember baby, it’s always darkest when you don’t pay the electricity bill.
My kids are driving me crazy! My son dumped out all the sugar today, all over his head and, consequently, all over the floor. When I saw him I wanted to cry. Sugar is a little sticky when it gets wet, too. Mopping wasn't such a brilliant idea.
My daughter took the scissors and cut her hair. Not her bangs, she cut her hair that hadn't been cut ever. She cut it clear up to her head! I wanted to cry again. No, I wanted to scream!
Do you know how long it takes to grow hair? This type of thing happens all the time. I need a break! What can I do?
Crazy Mom headed for the Insane Asylum
Dear Crazy Mom,
Honey, you’re already in an insane asylum. Going to another one isn’t going to make it any better. You’ll just meet grown ups who do the same thing, you’ll have to wear paper slippers, and you’ll have to try and cut your meat with a plastic spoon. And you most definitely do not want to take a bath there.
Now, it’s no use crying over spilt sugar. Why I once remember my daughter taking cooking oil and putting it all over the kitchen. Honey, sugar is nothing compared to oil. I learned how to skate in that kitchen. And then I got the brilliant idea to use flour to soak it up. Here’s a tip, don’t do that.
No one is going to look at your daughter and think you gave her that haircut. In fact people will come up to you and tell you stories about when their kids cut their own hair. At least she hasn’t died her hair purple and put it in a spiked Mohawk—yet .
Yes, you do need a break. Tell that husband of yours to take care of the kids and then run away for the weekend. Go to a friend’s house (one without kids) a hotel, or a B&B. You can go alone or with girlfriends, whichever you prefer. Eat chocolate and pasta, watch TV, read, shop, get massages and your hair done, write in a journal, giggle, do whatever it is that will help you feel better and as Sister Oprah says, “renew your spirit.” Because right now, you’re spirit is old and tired and sagging and doesn’t take pretty pictures.
I really believe that mothers need to run away every now and then. It helps prevent her from running away forever. After all, taking care of children is a 24 hour job. Now if you had a job outside of your home that took that much time and effort you would have been in a loony bin long ago. That’s why they send you home at the end of the day and they give you two weeks vacation every year.
And maybe your family could use a break from you, especially if you’ve reached the point where you’re a hysterical maniac.
Now if you don’t have a husband or a mother who can help, then send your kids out to friends for a sleepover and take at least the evening off. No washing dishes or cleaning house. You’re on vacation for an evening. If you’re a single mom, you need a vacation more than most.
Just remember baby, it’s always darkest when you don’t pay the electricity bill.
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Roughin' It
Dear Aunt Madge,
I have a friend who wants me to go camping in the wilderness with a tent and a fishing rod to find food. My idea of camping is at the Ritz. What can I do?
Signed,
Ritz Baby
Dear Ritz Baby,
Pack up your tent, your sleeping bag and your fishing rod and go to the Ritz. There are lots of camping type of experiences you can have there.
You can go fishing for cabana boys in the swimming pool and reel them in. Make sure you accidentally twist your ankle so that a cabana boy can give carry you to your suite, then faint so that he can give you mouth to mouth.
You can hunt down snipes on the beach.
Stick some twigs and small bushes on the balcony and have your friend sleep out in the fresh air while you enjoy crisp cotton sheets in a comfy bed.
Play woodsy sounds at night, like birds chirping and waterfalls.
For a campfire, use the fireplace, or if there isn’t one, a garbage can will do quite nicely. You can roast marshmallows over it and make smores. Just be aware of where the fire alarms are because you don’t want to cause any rain storms in your suite. Being rained out on a camping trip is not fun.
If your friend complains that it isn’t rugged enough for her, you can put poison ivy in her bed and give her a pot to pee in.
Most of all have good time.
Just remember, nature is best enjoyed from a balcony after a Jacuzzi bath.
I have a friend who wants me to go camping in the wilderness with a tent and a fishing rod to find food. My idea of camping is at the Ritz. What can I do?
Signed,
Ritz Baby
Dear Ritz Baby,
Pack up your tent, your sleeping bag and your fishing rod and go to the Ritz. There are lots of camping type of experiences you can have there.
You can go fishing for cabana boys in the swimming pool and reel them in. Make sure you accidentally twist your ankle so that a cabana boy can give carry you to your suite, then faint so that he can give you mouth to mouth.
You can hunt down snipes on the beach.
Stick some twigs and small bushes on the balcony and have your friend sleep out in the fresh air while you enjoy crisp cotton sheets in a comfy bed.
Play woodsy sounds at night, like birds chirping and waterfalls.
For a campfire, use the fireplace, or if there isn’t one, a garbage can will do quite nicely. You can roast marshmallows over it and make smores. Just be aware of where the fire alarms are because you don’t want to cause any rain storms in your suite. Being rained out on a camping trip is not fun.
If your friend complains that it isn’t rugged enough for her, you can put poison ivy in her bed and give her a pot to pee in.
Most of all have good time.
Just remember, nature is best enjoyed from a balcony after a Jacuzzi bath.
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