Recipe For Insanity

Dear Aunt Madge,

My kids are driving me crazy! My son dumped out all the sugar today, all over his head and, consequently, all over the floor. When I saw him I wanted to cry. Sugar is a little sticky when it gets wet, too. Mopping wasn't such a brilliant idea.

My daughter took the scissors and cut her hair. Not her bangs, she cut her hair that hadn't been cut ever. She cut it clear up to her head! I wanted to cry again. No, I wanted to scream!

Do you know how long it takes to grow hair? This type of thing happens all the time. I need a break! What can I do?

Crazy Mom headed for the Insane Asylum

Dear Crazy Mom,

Honey, you’re already in an insane asylum. Going to another one isn’t going to make it any better. You’ll just meet grown ups who do the same thing, you’ll have to wear paper slippers, and you’ll have to try and cut your meat with a plastic spoon. And you most definitely do not want to take a bath there.

Now, it’s no use crying over spilt sugar. Why I once remember my daughter taking cooking oil and putting it all over the kitchen. Honey, sugar is nothing compared to oil. I learned how to skate in that kitchen. And then I got the brilliant idea to use flour to soak it up. Here’s a tip, don’t do that.

No one is going to look at your daughter and think you gave her that haircut. In fact people will come up to you and tell you stories about when their kids cut their own hair. At least she hasn’t died her hair purple and put it in a spiked Mohawk—yet .

Yes, you do need a break. Tell that husband of yours to take care of the kids and then run away for the weekend. Go to a friend’s house (one without kids) a hotel, or a B&B. You can go alone or with girlfriends, whichever you prefer. Eat chocolate and pasta, watch TV, read, shop, get massages and your hair done, write in a journal, giggle, do whatever it is that will help you feel better and as Sister Oprah says, “renew your spirit.” Because right now, you’re spirit is old and tired and sagging and doesn’t take pretty pictures.

I really believe that mothers need to run away every now and then. It helps prevent her from running away forever. After all, taking care of children is a 24 hour job. Now if you had a job outside of your home that took that much time and effort you would have been in a loony bin long ago. That’s why they send you home at the end of the day and they give you two weeks vacation every year.

And maybe your family could use a break from you, especially if you’ve reached the point where you’re a hysterical maniac.

Now if you don’t have a husband or a mother who can help, then send your kids out to friends for a sleepover and take at least the evening off. No washing dishes or cleaning house. You’re on vacation for an evening. If you’re a single mom, you need a vacation more than most.

Just remember baby, it’s always darkest when you don’t pay the electricity bill.