Roughin' It

Dear Aunt Madge,

I have a friend who wants me to go camping in the wilderness with a tent and a fishing rod to find food. My idea of camping is at the Ritz. What can I do?

Signed,

Ritz Baby

Dear Ritz Baby,

Pack up your tent, your sleeping bag and your fishing rod and go to the Ritz. There are lots of camping type of experiences you can have there.

You can go fishing for cabana boys in the swimming pool and reel them in. Make sure you accidentally twist your ankle so that a cabana boy can give carry you to your suite, then faint so that he can give you mouth to mouth.

You can hunt down snipes on the beach.

Stick some twigs and small bushes on the balcony and have your friend sleep out in the fresh air while you enjoy crisp cotton sheets in a comfy bed.

Play woodsy sounds at night, like birds chirping and waterfalls.

For a campfire, use the fireplace, or if there isn’t one, a garbage can will do quite nicely. You can roast marshmallows over it and make smores. Just be aware of where the fire alarms are because you don’t want to cause any rain storms in your suite. Being rained out on a camping trip is not fun.

If your friend complains that it isn’t rugged enough for her, you can put poison ivy in her bed and give her a pot to pee in.

Most of all have good time.

Just remember, nature is best enjoyed from a balcony after a Jacuzzi bath.