Wednesday, February 3, 2016

When He Drops the Ball On Your Toe

Dear Aunt Madge,

My husband is a sports NUT. 

If it were only football or hockey I could survive this. But he's into every sport. We have cable channels we don't watch just so he can have a ton of sports channels. Name the sport and he's watching it. 

He even watches golf.

And apparently darts is a sport too although no one breaks a sweat unless they have to split someone else's dart down the middle like Robin Hood. 

Not only does he watch them, but he watches them with the volume so loud it shakes my collection of Precious Moments figurines. And he yells at the TV, as if the players and coaches can hear them. And then he yells at me because he doesn't realize he's yelling.

And the parties. He invites all his friends over - even the smelly ones - and I'm expected to be the polite hostess and make Dagwood sandwiches and nachos. 

And let's not forget the sports memorabilia. I've got jerseys and hats and balls and old video tapes of past games, and trading cards, and equipment (that he doesn't use) all over my house. He insists we sleep on Edmonton Oiler sheets, and drink out of cups with baseball teams on them.

But if I ask him to go for a walk with me, he looks at me horrified, because apparently walking isn't a sport, and then he goes back to yelling at some guy lifting weights.

It's not that I expect him to spend every spare moment with me. But I did hope to have some attention without resorting to putting on football gear to spice up our sex life. Apparently I look better with huge shoulder pads and a helmet that covers my face.

I've resorted to spending time alone or with girl friends. I have a craft room that I spend a lot of time in and my own TV which I watch my favorite TV shows and movies, and I go out with friends. I have made a lot of quilts and sweaters and read a lot of books.

But I can do all that living alone, without the screaming and the smelly friends who demand sandwiches. 

Any ideas what I should do?

Stuck in the penalty box

P.S. I knew he liked sports when I married him, but I had no idea it was an obsession like this.

Dear Stuck,

You poor, poor, dear. I feel for you. Honestly. I had a friend with the same problem. She tried everything. Once she poured a bucket of water on her husbands head, but he just thanked her for cooling him down. She even went on a date once with a man and her husband just waved goodbye without even looking at who she was going out with.

I would not suggest either of these tactics.

Obviously you two need to talk but that's pretty hard when he's busy telling the players to swing, or shoot, or whatever else they do in sports.

You could just give in and become a sports nut too, but that might not work that well for you. Not everyone is cut out to sit in front of the TV and scream at people who can't hear you. Some of us require some kind of acknowledgement back. 

You've got some decisions to make here. Is this guy worth hanging on to? If as you said, you could do what you already do living alone, then why have him in your life? If he's not interested in you unless you're wearing football gear, then maybe, he's just not that into you.

I know that's tough to hear, but you probably already know it. Would he even notice if you moved out? You could just leave his armchair and the tv and move everything else. He might notice you are missing when he wants a Dagwood sandwich.

Oh, and about that...stop making them for his friends. They're his friends, he should entertain them.

Here's a tip, when smelly friends come in I would suggest spraying them with Fabreeze before they sit on your furniture.

So here's the thing. You can try talking to him. Maybe you can dress up as a coach and give him a pep talk like they do in the movies. Draw things out on a chalkboard for him. Tell him he better shape up or ship out.

If he doesn't then you either have to accept him the way he is, or you make changes for yourself. Move to Italy and find a handsome Italian, become a craft designer and travel the world, rent an apartment in another city, do whatever you need to do to either accept things the way they are, or change things so that you are happier.

Remember, it is far better to be alone, then to be with someone who would rather be hugging a football.