When Motorcycles Seduce

Dear Aunt Madge,

My husband insists on keeping his motorcycle in the dining room. Not only that, but he spends a lot of time taking care of it. I swear his motorcycle is his mistress. I've tried talking to him, but nothing gets through. How can I get rid of this thing?

Hogg Widow

Dear Hogg,

By thing, do you mean the motorbike or your husband? Let's assume you mean the bike. I don't know if you can get rid of it, it would be easier to kick a mistress to the curb, but maybe you can create a peaceful co-existance. I've come up with several ideas for you.

1. Decorate the bike. Go wild. Pick a theme, like Princess, or French Country. Or maybe you can decorate it seasonally. Tinsel and ornaments at Christmas, paper hearts on Valentines, stuffed bunnies in leather at Easter, you get the idea. Do not be afraid of paint, glitter and glue.

2. Use it as a rack to dry your delicates.

3. Feed your husband dinner in the garage. He seems to be confused about what the different rooms in the house are for anyway.

4. Take the bike out yourself and claim the room as your sewing/zen/gift-wrapping room and warn him that anything left in there that doesn't belong will get fair treatment with a sledgehammer.

5. Sell the bike - this one is risky, it could lead to divorce, but you can always use the money for a lawyer.

6. Move your husband's things into the dining room including a bed. Tell him if he likes the bike so much he can sleep with it.

7. Call up the local tv and radio stations and announce that you will be giving free guided tours of your home and the crazy room where the bike is. Be ready with stupid stories about your husband. You could do number 1 in combination with this.

8. Go on holiday to Europe without him. You won't get rid of the bike but then you won't have to look at it either. Adopt an accent, and send photos back home of you drinking wine with handsome European men.

9. Everytime you see the bike point to it and cry "it's after me." Wake him up in the middle of the night and tell him you had a nightmare about the bike chasing you. Hide under a table and cry about the bike stalking you. Claim that the bike says mean things to you. Board up the dining room so the bike doesn't "get you." If this doesn't make your husband move the bike then refer to number 8 and stay there.

10. Serve dinner in the dining room every night and set a place for the bike. Ask the bike to pass things and cut up it's meat for it. Tell the bike that if it doesn't eat all of it's food you will banish it to the garage for a time out - and then do it.

I hope one or some of these suggestions can help you. Just remember, honey, a man's home is his castle - and we all know a castle is cold, uninviting and filled with barbarians unless a woman claims it as her own.