Time to Bring Out the Camera and the Locksmith Tools

Dear Aunt Madge,

The other day I found a bottle of cologne in my husband’s car. He rarely wears cologne around me and he’s often gone for days at a time on sales trips. I couldn’t help but wonder just who he was trying to smell good for. When I asked him about it, he got all defensive and said “what’s wrong with a guy smelling good? You’re just paranoid.”

Am I being paranoid? I’m starting to wonder about the bills now. He never lets me look at them insisting that he’ll handle the finances and he has an office in our house that he locks and I don’t have a key for.

And he often leaves the house late at night saying he needs some fresh air, or he goes to the movies but doesn’t invite me to come along.

Is this man hiding something?

Suspicious and stupid.

Dear Suspicious,

I would grab a trench coat and a magnifying glass and turn into Nancy Drew if I were you. That man is hiding something. It could be anything from being a secret smoker, to having another family, or even being a world international spy, which would be kinda cool as long as he was playing for the right side and you get to drive the flying sports car. I’m sure that if you asked him he would have a simple explanation for everything and it would be a lie. So don’t ask him. Just one of those things doesn’t necessarily mean that something’s going on, but when you put all of them together then you have every right to be suspicious.

Honey, you are not stupid. Even if he is playing games behind your back, being loving and trusting is not stupid. It’s required in a good marriage. He’s the one being stupid for putting your marriage in jeopardy and not being honest with you.

He’s thrown down the gauntlet. Pick it up girl and fight for yourself. Break into that office and go through the credit card bills. Put on a black outfit, smudge your face, and follow him one night when he leaves. Invite a friend along for an eye witness and a shoulder to cry on. Bring a camera and take plenty of incriminating pictures. Check his cell phone when he’s sleeping. If you call one of the numbers and a woman answers pretend that you’re from the IRS and make sure you get her personal information. You want to be sure of what’s going on before you make any drastic moves. You need to know the truth or it will drive you crazy, or worse get you some disease that you can’t get rid of.

Shooting and poisoning, although pleasant to think about, are not viable options. And hanging him by his toes and torturing him may be difficult to do alone. You want to do something that will have you come out ahead, like divorce him, take everything he has, and then move to Tuscany where all divorced women dream of going. Then you can become a famous writer or meet a handsome man, or both. Either way, you’re in Tuscany. Just remember, it’s better to have loved and lost, than to be stuck with a loser for the next twenty years.