Toddlers in Tiaras and Fake Boobs

Dear Aunt Madge,

I don't really have a problem, I just wanted your opinion on something. My daughter-in-law is involved in this baby beauty pagent business. I don't know how much money is spent and really it's none of my business, but I don't like seeing my grandbaby looking like she hangs around street corners. I swear that five year old has more make-up on her face than that Tammy Baker person back in the 80's when her minister husband stole all that money and her mascara would just roll down her face while she cried and...where was I. Oh yes. Not only does my grandbaby have fake teeth and fake hair and more make-up than a drugstore beauty counter, but she's now got fake boobs! Yep. Can you believe it! What five year old needs fake boobs?

Now I tried talking to my son about it and he just says "they're having fun," but I don't see my grandbaby having fun when she cries at every rehearsal.

I tried talking to my daughter-in-law about it but she told me to quit meddling.

Am I wrong?

Grandma to a Barbie Doll

Dear Grandma,

First I want to scream. Just wait a moment while I do that. AUUGGHHH! There that's better. Hope I didn't hurt your ears.

You are not wrong. Unfortuneatly there's nothing you can do about it, at least not as far as trying to convince your family otherwise. You do not want to alienate them. Your granddaughter needs someone like you in her life to ground her because right now her mother is mesmerized by trophies and promises of fame and a self loathing because why else would she put her little girl through all that.

I think we should start a movement and demand an overhaul of the baby beauty business. Some of these people involved have seriously lost their marbles on the playground of false hope. First off, ever look at child models in catalogues and commercials? They look like real kids. Ever seen a tv show or a movie with kida in it? They look like kids. No one wants a little girl who looks like a porn star to sell their products. Yes, I said it. Porn star. Which is sad since we're dealing with five year olds.  And what producer, director, company is going to want to deal with the mothers of the fake barbies? I swear I saw one of these little ones singing about how people liked her booty. I almost threw up but I was sitting on my new couch and I didn't want to wreck it.

Since you can't get through to the people who are supposed to care the most about their kids the next step is to talk to the organizers. First get organized with as many people as you can find. Make up signs, write letters, picket these contests. When you finally get some attention show them your manifesto of rules. My suggestions:

1. No fake anything unless it's an animal costume. Most children can't grow tails and whiskers so that's acceptable.

2. Make-up if any should be kept to a bare minimum because spotllights can make your face disappear. And no makeup if it's just happening on an open stage in a small room. In fact no make-up at all and that way everyone's face will just disappear. Unless she's wearing an animal costume.

3. Limits on how much is spent on outfits. No little girl needs a 2000 dollar dress unless she's a part of a singing family and they're performing on America's Got Talent in the final rounds. Let's just make it that all costumes have to come from the second hand store. You can find animal costumes there sometimes.

4. No behavior or songs allowed that can't be performed in a church gymnasium. This goes for the animal skits too. This includes swishing hips back and forth and come hither looks.

Frankly I think these girls look prettier with braids, missing teeth and scabs on their knees.

Just remember beauty is in the eye of the beauty industry who can convince everyone else to spend a fortune on their products.