50 Ways to Leave Your Mother - Okay 7 Ways to Kick Out Your Son

Dear Aunt Madge,

My 30 year old son lives in our basement. I've raised four children and three managed to move out on their own. I've always wanted to have a sewing room  down there, but this boy won't budge. He complains about the way I do his laundry and he's very demanding about his meals being on time and not wanting to eat a lot of what I make, so I have to make special things for him. He's a slob and I'm constantly cleaning up after him. He won't even make his own bed and I have to do it for him. Now he's complaining about the house rules saying that he should be able to entertain women down there. His father likes having him around because they watch sports together and he's our baby. "Don't worry he'll grow out of it," he always says. Frankly, I'm tired of being his maid and I want to dance naked in my kitchen, down my hallway and in my living room. Am I a bad mother for wanting my child to leave home?

Signed,
Expired Maternal Instinct

P.S. He has a job but doesn't pay expenses because he needs to save money to buy a house.

Dear Expired,

It's a good thing that I don't have my own TV show - well not good for me but good for you - because then you would have to look at my face. Right now my eyes are wide with astonishment and my mouth is hanging open and it ain't pretty.

So you're complaining because you have a son who won't leave a house where he has free rent, free meals, and free maid service. Now who's fault is that?

No you're not a bad mother for wanting him to leave. You're a bad mother for making it too easy to stay. But all is not lost. There are several things you can do. Here are an assortment of suggestions. Pick what you will from them but pick something.

1. YOU HAVE TO DO THIS ONE! STOP! Stop doing his laundry. Stop doing his cleaning. Stop doing his cooking. Stop buying him food. Stop lending him the car. Stop doing things for him. I know, I know. He's your baby and if you stop cleaning then things will pile up and bugs will come and termites will eat your home and the government will descend and declare your house a hazardous zone. It's not going to happen. If it gets too bad just get a shovel and put stuff in garbage bags and put it out in the trash. Lock your fridge and cabinets. Keep his mess contained to his room. If you're worried that he'll break your washer and dryer, don't let him use your washer and dryer. Hide the detergent. He can go to a laundromat and ruin their machines. If you can't keep him out of your fridge and cabinets then get rid of all your food and start eating out. If your husband complains about the expense then show him the expense of keeping your son around (note suggestion 2). Anything that he leaves lying around the house is confiscated. Keep it for yourself, give it away, sell it, or throw it out. If you have to pick it up then he doesn't get to have it. No exceptions. If this is hard for you, you could arrange deals where he has to buy back his property either through money or service. If he wants something done, he has to pay you in advance. Real money, honey. Call it your trip to Europe, build a sewing room, buy a car you always wanted fund.

2. Make up an expense report of all the money he has cost you since his high school graduation or 18th birthday. This includes the food he eats, the utilities he uses, any money he borrows, the rent he doesn't pay and any other costs that he has. Show this to your husband. When he sees this in black and white you'll more likely get him on your side. Show him what you could have done with the money your son has cost you. Like the cruise you always talked about, season tickets to his favorite team, that cabin you wanted to buy or the big screen TV he always wanted to watch his sports.

3. Give him an eviction notice with a date that he has to leave by. He will most likely ignore it. But you won't. Stick to it and be gutsy even if it means that all his stuff ends up on the front lawn. Change the locks on the door. If you want to show him some kindness you can let him have a tent and a sleeping bag.

4. Send him and his father away for a camping weekend or something. Now gather your girlfriends and Nate Berkus. You know that sewing room you want? Time to claim it. Clean out the basement of everything you don't want down there (his stuff), and repaint, repaper, and refurnish. Make it as girly as possible. Make it you. Put a lock on the door and don't give him a key. You can use the money you saved on not buying him food and shutting off the hot water when he takes a shower (did I mention doing that?).

4. Take out an ad in the newspaper and announce that your 30 year old still lives at home and refuses to leave. Make sure you give his real name. You can also put a sign on your front lawn with the same information.

5. When he brings women to the house, tell them all about him. And I mean every embarrassing he has ever done. Then ask him if he needs you to go to the store to get him some more adult diapers because he used the last one the previous night. Be sure and ask him if he also needs some more cream for that rash of his. I know you want him to get married and out of the house but it's not fair to inflict him on some woman until he can take care of himself.

6. Do tours of his room. Show all your friends and anyone else who might be interested. You could post FREE TOURS on the sign on your front lawn.

7. Hold a garage sale of all his things.

Will he hate you? Probably. But if your children don't hate you sometimes then you probably haven't done your job right. One day when he's standing on his own feet and has his own place and possibly even a wife, he will thank you . Really.

Just remember, a bird in the hand will poop on your lifeline.