Anna Gets Involved

Dear Aunt Madge,

I am an at home mom. It is not at all feasible to work outside the home. I have gone that route and ended up spending more money in daycare than what I was making. I have checked all the at home jobs and they are all nothing but scams and you have to put out money. I have also tried the home demonstration route and, again, not worth it. Is there anything out there today that allows me to work at home with a legitimate company and make a decent salary without digging into my own pocket?! Please help!!!

Looking for work in NJ

Dear Looking,

I know just what you’re talking about.

“Me too.”

“Anna, go away. She’s asking me. Go write next week’s column.”

“But I want to know what you’re going to tell her.”

“You can read it in the newspaper like everyone else. Now go.”

“Fine. But I’m not helping.”

“You can’t help anyway. You don’t have the magic answer.”

Good. She’s gone. Now where were we? Oh yes.

Honey, there’s isn’t anything that I know of. You could try starting your own business, not those scam businesses that are on the internet, but something using your own ideas with your own talents. Mrs. Fields made cookies in her kitchen. Martha Stewart stole other people’s ideas and clients working right at her dining table. There’s some lady who came up with the idea of blue nail polish which if you ask me looks stupid but everyone went out and bought some and made her rich.

Now I’ve looked into some “work at home” businesses. There was one that wanted me to make crafts but I had to first pay them to make the crafts. There’s the home party businesses which isn’t really working at home since you have to go to people’s houses to do demonstrations and then you end up chasing all your friends away because they see you coming and know you’re going to ask them to host a party so they start making up excuses about how they have to wash the dog and take the kids to baton twirling class. And don’t get me started on those MLM’s.

“No don’t get her started on those.”

“Are you back? Go away.”

“Just helping.”

“No, you’re not. You’re hindering. Go clean out your fridge, there’s mold growing in there.”

By the way, if someone approaches you with a business idea where the point of the business is to get other people to join the business, then run. Run like the wind. Run fast and run far.

“Run Forrest, run!”

Then there are the ones that come into your email box saying how you can make a million on the internet, but first you have to buy their book.

“Hey, maybe that will work. Have a book made up about how to make money. Charge people $49.95 plus shipping and tax and then when they open it, all they see are the words ‘that’s all folks.’”

Now Honey, I don’t know of any business that actually hires people to work at home. That doesn’t mean there isn’t any. I just don’t know of one. If I did, then I would be doing it, and so would Anna who is reading over my shoulder right now and won’t go away no matter how much I elbow her in the ribs. Not that I can find her ribs.

“Hey!”

It’s sad really. You would think that as a society we could find ways to help mother’s stay home with their children and still help out the family financially. But society doesn’t recognize the value of mother’s staying home with their children. People are only as valuable as the money that they can bring home. Why I’ve even heard of the government being willing to pay day care so that a mother can go flip burgers while someone else takes care of her children, rather than have the mother take care of her own children. It’s a travesty, I tell you! It’s wrong! It’s…

“Aunt Madge…”
“What, Anna, can’t you see I’m busy here!”

“Yeah, but, you’re starting to foam at the mouth.”

“This whole thing makes me perspeckled.”

“You were perspeckled before you started answering this question.”

“I’m ignoring you.”

Now, lets get back to the question. The answer is, I don’t know. If you find something, let me know. In the meantime, just remember, that if there’s fuzz on the pickle, it’s time to throw away the jar.

“What is that supposed to mean?”

“I thought I told you to clean out the fridge.”

Recipe For Insanity

Dear Aunt Madge,

My kids are driving me crazy! My son dumped out all the sugar today, all over his head and, consequently, all over the floor. When I saw him I wanted to cry. Sugar is a little sticky when it gets wet, too. Mopping wasn't such a brilliant idea.

My daughter took the scissors and cut her hair. Not her bangs, she cut her hair that hadn't been cut ever. She cut it clear up to her head! I wanted to cry again. No, I wanted to scream!

Do you know how long it takes to grow hair? This type of thing happens all the time. I need a break! What can I do?

Crazy Mom headed for the Insane Asylum

Dear Crazy Mom,

Honey, you’re already in an insane asylum. Going to another one isn’t going to make it any better. You’ll just meet grown ups who do the same thing, you’ll have to wear paper slippers, and you’ll have to try and cut your meat with a plastic spoon. And you most definitely do not want to take a bath there.

Now, it’s no use crying over spilt sugar. Why I once remember my daughter taking cooking oil and putting it all over the kitchen. Honey, sugar is nothing compared to oil. I learned how to skate in that kitchen. And then I got the brilliant idea to use flour to soak it up. Here’s a tip, don’t do that.

No one is going to look at your daughter and think you gave her that haircut. In fact people will come up to you and tell you stories about when their kids cut their own hair. At least she hasn’t died her hair purple and put it in a spiked Mohawk—yet .

Yes, you do need a break. Tell that husband of yours to take care of the kids and then run away for the weekend. Go to a friend’s house (one without kids) a hotel, or a B&B. You can go alone or with girlfriends, whichever you prefer. Eat chocolate and pasta, watch TV, read, shop, get massages and your hair done, write in a journal, giggle, do whatever it is that will help you feel better and as Sister Oprah says, “renew your spirit.” Because right now, you’re spirit is old and tired and sagging and doesn’t take pretty pictures.

I really believe that mothers need to run away every now and then. It helps prevent her from running away forever. After all, taking care of children is a 24 hour job. Now if you had a job outside of your home that took that much time and effort you would have been in a loony bin long ago. That’s why they send you home at the end of the day and they give you two weeks vacation every year.

And maybe your family could use a break from you, especially if you’ve reached the point where you’re a hysterical maniac.

Now if you don’t have a husband or a mother who can help, then send your kids out to friends for a sleepover and take at least the evening off. No washing dishes or cleaning house. You’re on vacation for an evening. If you’re a single mom, you need a vacation more than most.

Just remember baby, it’s always darkest when you don’t pay the electricity bill.