Dear Aunt Madge,
I have a friend who wants me to go camping in the wilderness with a tent and a fishing rod to find food. My idea of camping is at the Ritz. What can I do?
Signed,
Ritz Baby
Dear Ritz Baby,
Pack up your tent, your sleeping bag and your fishing rod and go to the Ritz. There are lots of camping type of experiences you can have there.
You can go fishing for cabana boys in the swimming pool and reel them in. Make sure you accidentally twist your ankle so that a cabana boy can give carry you to your suite, then faint so that he can give you mouth to mouth.
You can hunt down snipes on the beach.
Stick some twigs and small bushes on the balcony and have your friend sleep out in the fresh air while you enjoy crisp cotton sheets in a comfy bed.
Play woodsy sounds at night, like birds chirping and waterfalls.
For a campfire, use the fireplace, or if there isn’t one, a garbage can will do quite nicely. You can roast marshmallows over it and make smores. Just be aware of where the fire alarms are because you don’t want to cause any rain storms in your suite. Being rained out on a camping trip is not fun.
If your friend complains that it isn’t rugged enough for her, you can put poison ivy in her bed and give her a pot to pee in.
Most of all have good time.
Just remember, nature is best enjoyed from a balcony after a Jacuzzi bath.
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
Cancelling Each Other's Votes? Here's Some Tips
Dear Aunt Madge,
With the elections coming up, I have become very suspicious of my husband's leanings. It seems clear that if we both vote, we vote for opposing party members. Will this, as some people say, 'cancel out' our votes? Should I distract him that day? What could possibly keep him distracted that long? Then how would I get away to vote?
Signed, Petite but Desperate
Dear Petite,
First off, I envy you for being petite. At least you don’t have to deal with elephant jokes. Well, unless that’s your party.
Anyway, to answer your question about whether your votes cancel each other, my answer is yes. They do.
Now I’m not sure whether I should help you or not. I don’t know what side you’re voting for. I may want to help him more. You didn’t give me that information.
Come to think of it, it’s an American election. What do I care?
Okay, here are some ideas for keeping him distracted.
1. Put a football game on TV. Put several of them on TV. You might have to subscribe to a sports network. Men watching sports lose brain cells and are incapable of thinking about politics or even remembering what they had for breakfast. Yet for some odd reason they’ll remember who scored the winning touchdown/run/goal in 1946 and the player’s statistics and they’ll remember this while one child is bleeding in front of them, another is running with scissors, and a third is doing a science experiment that involves fire. Keep him focused on the sports. He won’t care who wins the election then just as long as there’s no additional tax put on his beer.
2. You could handcuff him to a chair. I won’t tell you how to do this because this is a family newspaper, but I’m sure you can come up with something.
3. Pull some wires from the car. I don’t know which ones. I know this worked in the “Sound of Music.” Remember the nuns pulling stuff out of a car? If it was okay for nuns to do it, why not you?
4. Schedule laser eye surgery. He will be completely helpless. When you go to the polls you can guide his hand.
5. Try hypnotism. Tell him it’s to cure some other problem he has like smoking or overeating, and then put in the suggestion of who to vote for. While you’re at it suggest some nice pieces of jewelry or that Jacuzzi bath tub he was going to install one day.
Whatever you do, don’t let him catch you doing it. And while you’re at it, watch out for suspicious donuts. You don’t know what he might be spiking your food with.
Just remember, no matter how the cookie crumbles, someone will have to clean it up.
With the elections coming up, I have become very suspicious of my husband's leanings. It seems clear that if we both vote, we vote for opposing party members. Will this, as some people say, 'cancel out' our votes? Should I distract him that day? What could possibly keep him distracted that long? Then how would I get away to vote?
Signed, Petite but Desperate
Dear Petite,
First off, I envy you for being petite. At least you don’t have to deal with elephant jokes. Well, unless that’s your party.
Anyway, to answer your question about whether your votes cancel each other, my answer is yes. They do.
Now I’m not sure whether I should help you or not. I don’t know what side you’re voting for. I may want to help him more. You didn’t give me that information.
Come to think of it, it’s an American election. What do I care?
Okay, here are some ideas for keeping him distracted.
1. Put a football game on TV. Put several of them on TV. You might have to subscribe to a sports network. Men watching sports lose brain cells and are incapable of thinking about politics or even remembering what they had for breakfast. Yet for some odd reason they’ll remember who scored the winning touchdown/run/goal in 1946 and the player’s statistics and they’ll remember this while one child is bleeding in front of them, another is running with scissors, and a third is doing a science experiment that involves fire. Keep him focused on the sports. He won’t care who wins the election then just as long as there’s no additional tax put on his beer.
2. You could handcuff him to a chair. I won’t tell you how to do this because this is a family newspaper, but I’m sure you can come up with something.
3. Pull some wires from the car. I don’t know which ones. I know this worked in the “Sound of Music.” Remember the nuns pulling stuff out of a car? If it was okay for nuns to do it, why not you?
4. Schedule laser eye surgery. He will be completely helpless. When you go to the polls you can guide his hand.
5. Try hypnotism. Tell him it’s to cure some other problem he has like smoking or overeating, and then put in the suggestion of who to vote for. While you’re at it suggest some nice pieces of jewelry or that Jacuzzi bath tub he was going to install one day.
Whatever you do, don’t let him catch you doing it. And while you’re at it, watch out for suspicious donuts. You don’t know what he might be spiking your food with.
Just remember, no matter how the cookie crumbles, someone will have to clean it up.
Posts
