Duking it Out With Mother-In-Law

Dear Aunt Madge,

I love my mother-in-law. I adore her in her own territory, and when she comes to visit me she’s very well behaved – for about three days. Then she can’t stand it and has to start taking over. She’s a professional over-rider and it’s quite taxing. How can I suggest that she cut her visits down to about three days so we don’t start duking it out on the fourth?

Polly Peacekeeper

Dear Polly,

Honey, what a sweetie you are. Obviously you love your mother-in-law and understand her and don’t want to hurt her feelings.

The way I see it you have two options. First option – tell her the house is hers for awhile and then get in the car and run away for several days. I highly recommend a vacation away from everyone. You know the family is in good hands and you’ll get some much needed rest and she can boss everyone around to her hearts content while you get massages and pedicures and go antique shopping. Be aware when you come back though, that your furniture may have changed and your dishes may be in different cupboards and there may be a for sale sign on your house.

Or, if you can’t go away on vacation you could try scaring her away. Tell her that you’re thinking of hosting a debate between PETA and fur trappers. Or a tractor pull with a tea to follow. Or a child’s birthday party with everyone from the local school followed by an ice cream sundae fight. This one is risky because she might actually want to help and you’ll be forced to follow through.

Or you could try the direct route. “Mom, I love you dearly, but if you stay more than three days I will be forced to use my machete on you. It’s not that I want to do it, but it will either be my head or yours and seeing that I have a strong survival instinct, that leaves you.”

I hope whatever you try works and doesn’t cause bad feelings between you. Always remember, “she who keeps her mouth shut never gets to taste chocolate.”