Dear Aunt Madge,
I am an at home mom. It is not at all feasible to work outside the home. I have gone that route and ended up spending more money in daycare than what I was making. I have checked all the at home jobs and they are all nothing but scams and you have to put out money. I have also tried the home demonstration route and, again, not worth it. Is there anything out there today that allows me to work at home with a legitimate company and make a decent salary without digging into my own pocket?! Please help!!!
Looking for work in NJ
Dear Looking,
I know just what you’re talking about.
“Me too.”
“Anna, go away. She’s asking me. Go write next week’s column.”
“But I want to know what you’re going to tell her.”
“You can read it in the newspaper like everyone else. Now go.”
“Fine. But I’m not helping.”
“You can’t help anyway. You don’t have the magic answer.”
Good. She’s gone. Now where were we? Oh yes.
Honey, there’s isn’t anything that I know of. You could try starting your own business, not those scam businesses that are on the internet, but something using your own ideas with your own talents. Mrs. Fields made cookies in her kitchen. Martha Stewart stole other people’s ideas and clients working right at her dining table. There’s some lady who came up with the idea of blue nail polish which if you ask me looks stupid but everyone went out and bought some and made her rich.
Now I’ve looked into some “work at home” businesses. There was one that wanted me to make crafts but I had to first pay them to make the crafts. There’s the home party businesses which isn’t really working at home since you have to go to people’s houses to do demonstrations and then you end up chasing all your friends away because they see you coming and know you’re going to ask them to host a party so they start making up excuses about how they have to wash the dog and take the kids to baton twirling class. And don’t get me started on those MLM’s.
“No don’t get her started on those.”
“Are you back? Go away.”
“Just helping.”
“No, you’re not. You’re hindering. Go clean out your fridge, there’s mold growing in there.”
By the way, if someone approaches you with a business idea where the point of the business is to get other people to join the business, then run. Run like the wind. Run fast and run far.
“Run Forrest, run!”
Then there are the ones that come into your email box saying how you can make a million on the internet, but first you have to buy their book.
“Hey, maybe that will work. Have a book made up about how to make money. Charge people $49.95 plus shipping and tax and then when they open it, all they see are the words ‘that’s all folks.’”
Now Honey, I don’t know of any business that actually hires people to work at home. That doesn’t mean there isn’t any. I just don’t know of one. If I did, then I would be doing it, and so would Anna who is reading over my shoulder right now and won’t go away no matter how much I elbow her in the ribs. Not that I can find her ribs.
“Hey!”
It’s sad really. You would think that as a society we could find ways to help mother’s stay home with their children and still help out the family financially. But society doesn’t recognize the value of mother’s staying home with their children. People are only as valuable as the money that they can bring home. Why I’ve even heard of the government being willing to pay day care so that a mother can go flip burgers while someone else takes care of her children, rather than have the mother take care of her own children. It’s a travesty, I tell you! It’s wrong! It’s…
“Aunt Madge…”
“What, Anna, can’t you see I’m busy here!”
“Yeah, but, you’re starting to foam at the mouth.”
“This whole thing makes me perspeckled.”
“You were perspeckled before you started answering this question.”
“I’m ignoring you.”
Now, lets get back to the question. The answer is, I don’t know. If you find something, let me know. In the meantime, just remember, that if there’s fuzz on the pickle, it’s time to throw away the jar.
“What is that supposed to mean?”
“I thought I told you to clean out the fridge.”
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
Wednesday, August 6, 2008
Recipe For Insanity
Dear Aunt Madge,
My kids are driving me crazy! My son dumped out all the sugar today, all over his head and, consequently, all over the floor. When I saw him I wanted to cry. Sugar is a little sticky when it gets wet, too. Mopping wasn't such a brilliant idea.
My daughter took the scissors and cut her hair. Not her bangs, she cut her hair that hadn't been cut ever. She cut it clear up to her head! I wanted to cry again. No, I wanted to scream!
Do you know how long it takes to grow hair? This type of thing happens all the time. I need a break! What can I do?
Crazy Mom headed for the Insane Asylum
Dear Crazy Mom,
Honey, you’re already in an insane asylum. Going to another one isn’t going to make it any better. You’ll just meet grown ups who do the same thing, you’ll have to wear paper slippers, and you’ll have to try and cut your meat with a plastic spoon. And you most definitely do not want to take a bath there.
Now, it’s no use crying over spilt sugar. Why I once remember my daughter taking cooking oil and putting it all over the kitchen. Honey, sugar is nothing compared to oil. I learned how to skate in that kitchen. And then I got the brilliant idea to use flour to soak it up. Here’s a tip, don’t do that.
No one is going to look at your daughter and think you gave her that haircut. In fact people will come up to you and tell you stories about when their kids cut their own hair. At least she hasn’t died her hair purple and put it in a spiked Mohawk—yet .
Yes, you do need a break. Tell that husband of yours to take care of the kids and then run away for the weekend. Go to a friend’s house (one without kids) a hotel, or a B&B. You can go alone or with girlfriends, whichever you prefer. Eat chocolate and pasta, watch TV, read, shop, get massages and your hair done, write in a journal, giggle, do whatever it is that will help you feel better and as Sister Oprah says, “renew your spirit.” Because right now, you’re spirit is old and tired and sagging and doesn’t take pretty pictures.
I really believe that mothers need to run away every now and then. It helps prevent her from running away forever. After all, taking care of children is a 24 hour job. Now if you had a job outside of your home that took that much time and effort you would have been in a loony bin long ago. That’s why they send you home at the end of the day and they give you two weeks vacation every year.
And maybe your family could use a break from you, especially if you’ve reached the point where you’re a hysterical maniac.
Now if you don’t have a husband or a mother who can help, then send your kids out to friends for a sleepover and take at least the evening off. No washing dishes or cleaning house. You’re on vacation for an evening. If you’re a single mom, you need a vacation more than most.
Just remember baby, it’s always darkest when you don’t pay the electricity bill.
My kids are driving me crazy! My son dumped out all the sugar today, all over his head and, consequently, all over the floor. When I saw him I wanted to cry. Sugar is a little sticky when it gets wet, too. Mopping wasn't such a brilliant idea.
My daughter took the scissors and cut her hair. Not her bangs, she cut her hair that hadn't been cut ever. She cut it clear up to her head! I wanted to cry again. No, I wanted to scream!
Do you know how long it takes to grow hair? This type of thing happens all the time. I need a break! What can I do?
Crazy Mom headed for the Insane Asylum
Dear Crazy Mom,
Honey, you’re already in an insane asylum. Going to another one isn’t going to make it any better. You’ll just meet grown ups who do the same thing, you’ll have to wear paper slippers, and you’ll have to try and cut your meat with a plastic spoon. And you most definitely do not want to take a bath there.
Now, it’s no use crying over spilt sugar. Why I once remember my daughter taking cooking oil and putting it all over the kitchen. Honey, sugar is nothing compared to oil. I learned how to skate in that kitchen. And then I got the brilliant idea to use flour to soak it up. Here’s a tip, don’t do that.
No one is going to look at your daughter and think you gave her that haircut. In fact people will come up to you and tell you stories about when their kids cut their own hair. At least she hasn’t died her hair purple and put it in a spiked Mohawk—yet .
Yes, you do need a break. Tell that husband of yours to take care of the kids and then run away for the weekend. Go to a friend’s house (one without kids) a hotel, or a B&B. You can go alone or with girlfriends, whichever you prefer. Eat chocolate and pasta, watch TV, read, shop, get massages and your hair done, write in a journal, giggle, do whatever it is that will help you feel better and as Sister Oprah says, “renew your spirit.” Because right now, you’re spirit is old and tired and sagging and doesn’t take pretty pictures.
I really believe that mothers need to run away every now and then. It helps prevent her from running away forever. After all, taking care of children is a 24 hour job. Now if you had a job outside of your home that took that much time and effort you would have been in a loony bin long ago. That’s why they send you home at the end of the day and they give you two weeks vacation every year.
And maybe your family could use a break from you, especially if you’ve reached the point where you’re a hysterical maniac.
Now if you don’t have a husband or a mother who can help, then send your kids out to friends for a sleepover and take at least the evening off. No washing dishes or cleaning house. You’re on vacation for an evening. If you’re a single mom, you need a vacation more than most.
Just remember baby, it’s always darkest when you don’t pay the electricity bill.
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Roughin' It
Dear Aunt Madge,
I have a friend who wants me to go camping in the wilderness with a tent and a fishing rod to find food. My idea of camping is at the Ritz. What can I do?
Signed,
Ritz Baby
Dear Ritz Baby,
Pack up your tent, your sleeping bag and your fishing rod and go to the Ritz. There are lots of camping type of experiences you can have there.
You can go fishing for cabana boys in the swimming pool and reel them in. Make sure you accidentally twist your ankle so that a cabana boy can give carry you to your suite, then faint so that he can give you mouth to mouth.
You can hunt down snipes on the beach.
Stick some twigs and small bushes on the balcony and have your friend sleep out in the fresh air while you enjoy crisp cotton sheets in a comfy bed.
Play woodsy sounds at night, like birds chirping and waterfalls.
For a campfire, use the fireplace, or if there isn’t one, a garbage can will do quite nicely. You can roast marshmallows over it and make smores. Just be aware of where the fire alarms are because you don’t want to cause any rain storms in your suite. Being rained out on a camping trip is not fun.
If your friend complains that it isn’t rugged enough for her, you can put poison ivy in her bed and give her a pot to pee in.
Most of all have good time.
Just remember, nature is best enjoyed from a balcony after a Jacuzzi bath.
I have a friend who wants me to go camping in the wilderness with a tent and a fishing rod to find food. My idea of camping is at the Ritz. What can I do?
Signed,
Ritz Baby
Dear Ritz Baby,
Pack up your tent, your sleeping bag and your fishing rod and go to the Ritz. There are lots of camping type of experiences you can have there.
You can go fishing for cabana boys in the swimming pool and reel them in. Make sure you accidentally twist your ankle so that a cabana boy can give carry you to your suite, then faint so that he can give you mouth to mouth.
You can hunt down snipes on the beach.
Stick some twigs and small bushes on the balcony and have your friend sleep out in the fresh air while you enjoy crisp cotton sheets in a comfy bed.
Play woodsy sounds at night, like birds chirping and waterfalls.
For a campfire, use the fireplace, or if there isn’t one, a garbage can will do quite nicely. You can roast marshmallows over it and make smores. Just be aware of where the fire alarms are because you don’t want to cause any rain storms in your suite. Being rained out on a camping trip is not fun.
If your friend complains that it isn’t rugged enough for her, you can put poison ivy in her bed and give her a pot to pee in.
Most of all have good time.
Just remember, nature is best enjoyed from a balcony after a Jacuzzi bath.
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
Cancelling Each Other's Votes? Here's Some Tips
Dear Aunt Madge,
With the elections coming up, I have become very suspicious of my husband's leanings. It seems clear that if we both vote, we vote for opposing party members. Will this, as some people say, 'cancel out' our votes? Should I distract him that day? What could possibly keep him distracted that long? Then how would I get away to vote?
Signed, Petite but Desperate
Dear Petite,
First off, I envy you for being petite. At least you don’t have to deal with elephant jokes. Well, unless that’s your party.
Anyway, to answer your question about whether your votes cancel each other, my answer is yes. They do.
Now I’m not sure whether I should help you or not. I don’t know what side you’re voting for. I may want to help him more. You didn’t give me that information.
Come to think of it, it’s an American election. What do I care?
Okay, here are some ideas for keeping him distracted.
1. Put a football game on TV. Put several of them on TV. You might have to subscribe to a sports network. Men watching sports lose brain cells and are incapable of thinking about politics or even remembering what they had for breakfast. Yet for some odd reason they’ll remember who scored the winning touchdown/run/goal in 1946 and the player’s statistics and they’ll remember this while one child is bleeding in front of them, another is running with scissors, and a third is doing a science experiment that involves fire. Keep him focused on the sports. He won’t care who wins the election then just as long as there’s no additional tax put on his beer.
2. You could handcuff him to a chair. I won’t tell you how to do this because this is a family newspaper, but I’m sure you can come up with something.
3. Pull some wires from the car. I don’t know which ones. I know this worked in the “Sound of Music.” Remember the nuns pulling stuff out of a car? If it was okay for nuns to do it, why not you?
4. Schedule laser eye surgery. He will be completely helpless. When you go to the polls you can guide his hand.
5. Try hypnotism. Tell him it’s to cure some other problem he has like smoking or overeating, and then put in the suggestion of who to vote for. While you’re at it suggest some nice pieces of jewelry or that Jacuzzi bath tub he was going to install one day.
Whatever you do, don’t let him catch you doing it. And while you’re at it, watch out for suspicious donuts. You don’t know what he might be spiking your food with.
Just remember, no matter how the cookie crumbles, someone will have to clean it up.
With the elections coming up, I have become very suspicious of my husband's leanings. It seems clear that if we both vote, we vote for opposing party members. Will this, as some people say, 'cancel out' our votes? Should I distract him that day? What could possibly keep him distracted that long? Then how would I get away to vote?
Signed, Petite but Desperate
Dear Petite,
First off, I envy you for being petite. At least you don’t have to deal with elephant jokes. Well, unless that’s your party.
Anyway, to answer your question about whether your votes cancel each other, my answer is yes. They do.
Now I’m not sure whether I should help you or not. I don’t know what side you’re voting for. I may want to help him more. You didn’t give me that information.
Come to think of it, it’s an American election. What do I care?
Okay, here are some ideas for keeping him distracted.
1. Put a football game on TV. Put several of them on TV. You might have to subscribe to a sports network. Men watching sports lose brain cells and are incapable of thinking about politics or even remembering what they had for breakfast. Yet for some odd reason they’ll remember who scored the winning touchdown/run/goal in 1946 and the player’s statistics and they’ll remember this while one child is bleeding in front of them, another is running with scissors, and a third is doing a science experiment that involves fire. Keep him focused on the sports. He won’t care who wins the election then just as long as there’s no additional tax put on his beer.
2. You could handcuff him to a chair. I won’t tell you how to do this because this is a family newspaper, but I’m sure you can come up with something.
3. Pull some wires from the car. I don’t know which ones. I know this worked in the “Sound of Music.” Remember the nuns pulling stuff out of a car? If it was okay for nuns to do it, why not you?
4. Schedule laser eye surgery. He will be completely helpless. When you go to the polls you can guide his hand.
5. Try hypnotism. Tell him it’s to cure some other problem he has like smoking or overeating, and then put in the suggestion of who to vote for. While you’re at it suggest some nice pieces of jewelry or that Jacuzzi bath tub he was going to install one day.
Whatever you do, don’t let him catch you doing it. And while you’re at it, watch out for suspicious donuts. You don’t know what he might be spiking your food with.
Just remember, no matter how the cookie crumbles, someone will have to clean it up.
Monday, June 9, 2008
a=c2 x I Don't Get It!
Dear Aunt Madge,
I have been home schooling my children for seven years now and I am really struggling with grade 7 math. I graduated from grade 12, twenty years ago. Why can’t I remember algebra? What can I do to get my children to do their math? Why do we have to do math?
Numerically Challanged
Dear Numerically Challenged,
Algebra was created to weed out the science nerds from the artsy fartsies. Those who can’t do math are immediately sent to the bottom of the university lists so the science people who create bombs and nuclear reactors and cloned sheep can get the first stab at going to school. No one in real life actually uses algebra. When was the last time you were handed an equation filled with numbers and letters and asked to find the cosign of the hippopotamus? No, you’re trying to figure out why you end up paying 500,000 dollars for your 150,000 dollar house and how come delivering a baby of 8 pounds only results in a 5 pound weight loss and how come Martha Stewart who is a convict gets 2 TV shows while you are feeding your kids mac and cheese.
None of it ever works out. That’s why math is useless. It’s not real life.
Honey, get someone else to teach them and take an oatmeal bath. Remember when the going gets tough, it’s best to spit it out and cook something else.
I have been home schooling my children for seven years now and I am really struggling with grade 7 math. I graduated from grade 12, twenty years ago. Why can’t I remember algebra? What can I do to get my children to do their math? Why do we have to do math?
Numerically Challanged
Dear Numerically Challenged,
Algebra was created to weed out the science nerds from the artsy fartsies. Those who can’t do math are immediately sent to the bottom of the university lists so the science people who create bombs and nuclear reactors and cloned sheep can get the first stab at going to school. No one in real life actually uses algebra. When was the last time you were handed an equation filled with numbers and letters and asked to find the cosign of the hippopotamus? No, you’re trying to figure out why you end up paying 500,000 dollars for your 150,000 dollar house and how come delivering a baby of 8 pounds only results in a 5 pound weight loss and how come Martha Stewart who is a convict gets 2 TV shows while you are feeding your kids mac and cheese.
None of it ever works out. That’s why math is useless. It’s not real life.
Honey, get someone else to teach them and take an oatmeal bath. Remember when the going gets tough, it’s best to spit it out and cook something else.
Thursday, May 29, 2008
Duking it Out With Mother-In-Law
Dear Aunt Madge,
I love my mother-in-law. I adore her in her own territory, and when she comes to visit me she’s very well behaved – for about three days. Then she can’t stand it and has to start taking over. She’s a professional over-rider and it’s quite taxing. How can I suggest that she cut her visits down to about three days so we don’t start duking it out on the fourth?
Polly Peacekeeper
Dear Polly,
Honey, what a sweetie you are. Obviously you love your mother-in-law and understand her and don’t want to hurt her feelings.
The way I see it you have two options. First option – tell her the house is hers for awhile and then get in the car and run away for several days. I highly recommend a vacation away from everyone. You know the family is in good hands and you’ll get some much needed rest and she can boss everyone around to her hearts content while you get massages and pedicures and go antique shopping. Be aware when you come back though, that your furniture may have changed and your dishes may be in different cupboards and there may be a for sale sign on your house.
Or, if you can’t go away on vacation you could try scaring her away. Tell her that you’re thinking of hosting a debate between PETA and fur trappers. Or a tractor pull with a tea to follow. Or a child’s birthday party with everyone from the local school followed by an ice cream sundae fight. This one is risky because she might actually want to help and you’ll be forced to follow through.
Or you could try the direct route. “Mom, I love you dearly, but if you stay more than three days I will be forced to use my machete on you. It’s not that I want to do it, but it will either be my head or yours and seeing that I have a strong survival instinct, that leaves you.”
I hope whatever you try works and doesn’t cause bad feelings between you. Always remember, “she who keeps her mouth shut never gets to taste chocolate.”
I love my mother-in-law. I adore her in her own territory, and when she comes to visit me she’s very well behaved – for about three days. Then she can’t stand it and has to start taking over. She’s a professional over-rider and it’s quite taxing. How can I suggest that she cut her visits down to about three days so we don’t start duking it out on the fourth?
Polly Peacekeeper
Dear Polly,
Honey, what a sweetie you are. Obviously you love your mother-in-law and understand her and don’t want to hurt her feelings.
The way I see it you have two options. First option – tell her the house is hers for awhile and then get in the car and run away for several days. I highly recommend a vacation away from everyone. You know the family is in good hands and you’ll get some much needed rest and she can boss everyone around to her hearts content while you get massages and pedicures and go antique shopping. Be aware when you come back though, that your furniture may have changed and your dishes may be in different cupboards and there may be a for sale sign on your house.
Or, if you can’t go away on vacation you could try scaring her away. Tell her that you’re thinking of hosting a debate between PETA and fur trappers. Or a tractor pull with a tea to follow. Or a child’s birthday party with everyone from the local school followed by an ice cream sundae fight. This one is risky because she might actually want to help and you’ll be forced to follow through.
Or you could try the direct route. “Mom, I love you dearly, but if you stay more than three days I will be forced to use my machete on you. It’s not that I want to do it, but it will either be my head or yours and seeing that I have a strong survival instinct, that leaves you.”
I hope whatever you try works and doesn’t cause bad feelings between you. Always remember, “she who keeps her mouth shut never gets to taste chocolate.”
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