Grown Men Who Revert to Childhood, Or Why They Never Left

Dear Aunt Madge,

How can I get my husband to act like an adult whenever we visit his parent's? He always seems to forget that he's an adult now and is allowed to make his own decisions whenever we stay there for a few days. What's up?

Confused in Utah

Dear Confused

You mean you ended up with a husband who’s an adult most of the time? Count yourself lucky and stick stars on your forehead!

Now honey, I hate to tell you this, but he is making his own decision about how he behaves at his parent’s house. He probably likes being a little kid for awhile. Aren’t there days when you would like to just play all day and have someone else cook dinner and pick up after you?

So resign yourself to the fact that his Mommy will cut up his food and do his laundry while you’re visiting. In fact, call it a vacation and get your nails done. Who knows, maybe you can get in good with Mom and make suggestions about getting him to do stuff, like cleaning out the car and buying you some jewelry.

And just because everyone in the family decides to do something, it doesn’t mean you have to do it too. When they say “let’s go down and shoot rats at the junkyard” you can say “go ahead, I have a headache,” and then when they’re gone, you can go to a movie or take a bath or draw pictures on the walls and then sign his name to them. Of course if you do the latter you will get in trouble and you can blame it on him and he’ll say “I did not!” and then you can say “you believe him just because he’s your kid” and then cry like you’ve just had a fork stuck in your neck, and maybe you’ll never be invited back.

Let me know how that works for you. In the meantime, remember who’s really the boss. Hint: take a look in the mirror. But don’t tell him that. If you told him, you might as well beat egg whites with a greasy spoon.

Are You Pretty Enough for the School Bus?

Dear Aunt Madge,

I dress to go to work and stand with my child at the bus stop in heels, hose and a suit. There's this one woman who comes in a bathrobe and bunny slippers. Shouldn't there be a bus stop dress code for parents?

Signed
Practically Perfect in Every Way

P.S. Oh, and she comes with a pot of coffee and an ugly old coffee cup.

Dear Practically Perfect,

You didn’t get the note? Honey, you’re the one breaking the dress code. Now, I understand that you need to dress for work. But how do you know that she isn’t dressed for work too? She could be an actress who does mattress commercials or a student doing a research project on human behavior. You just don’t know. Not everyone requires a suit and heels for work. Why my friend Anna frequently works in a ratty old bathrobe and bunny slippers which have lost their ears. So the next time you go to the bus stop, put on your bathrobe over your suit, exchange those heels for some cartoon animal slippers (personally I like Yogi Bear, but Sponge Bob is very popular and the kids will think they’re cool) and bring your coffee cup. No, not the Old English Roses china, but the ugly one your kid bought you at the dollar store that says “World’s Greatest Dust Collector”.

Just remember, she who looks down on people will scrape her nose on the sidewalk.

Getting the Boot? Go to Italy

Dear Aunt Madge,

My husband was offered early retirement from his company and after looking into all the pros and cons he decided to take it. I also decided to quit my job and we were going to take two years and do some traveling while we both still had our health.

I was employed at my job for 16 years. With just two girls in the office, Cindy and myself, we became good friends. One year after I started, Cindy and the boss married. We did a lot of things together as couples, trips, dinners out so on and so forth.

When I gave my notice I gave 8 weeks as they always wanted time to advertise, interview and train. I was told that I would not have to worry about being let go early. Two weeks later, I was given 2 days notice that I was gone. I was in shock. I cried all the next day. I felt betrayed. Even though I was leaving in 2 months, I felt as if I was fired. He didn't even say thanks for the time I had given him or anything. Cindy doesn’t even call or email me anymore.

My husband says he made a business decision, but it sure doesn’t feel like it. Am I being over sensitive about this?

Hurt in PA

Dear Hurt,

Let me understand this; they ask that you give plenty of notice if you’re leaving your work, in this case 8 weeks so that they can find and train a replacement, and then they fire you after 2. That’s some smart business decision making sure they hold all the cards. Honey, you need to call your local labour board and find out if this was legal cause this smells like bad fish to me. If it ain’t legal then you can sue them and if it is you could stand outside their establishment with a sign that says “unfair labour practices”. Of course your sign could say something nastier but this is a family blog.

Now as far as the friendship thing is, I don’t think you’re being oversensitive. If indeed you were all friends, then they’ve frozen you out into Siberia. You have several options here. You could make little dolls and stick pins in them, throw darts at their pictures, or spend your hours dreaming up diabolical plans to get even. Of course that may take away time from your husband and your travel plans and you’ll eventually get a crazed look in your eyes and ratty hair and eventually have to wear a diaper like that astronaut woman and you won’t never have fun again but at least you’ll have…well, nothing. Not even the satisfaction of revenge because you see, they won’t care or know that you’re upset. Unless of course you stand outside their workplace with that nasty sign.

Or you could approach them, perhaps with your husband and find out what is going on. They may have a completely different perception of your friendship. It sounds as if they do. Perhaps for them it was all business and since you are no longer in the business then the friendship is terminated.

Or you could forget about them and go travel around the world having a wonderful time with your husband and making friends with people who don’t care what you do for a living.

Look at it this way, while you’re enjoying the Tuscan sun, laying on the beaches in Greece, walking the wall of China, eating French pastry under the shadow of the Eiffel Tower, and going on Safari to track down the elusive albino tiger, they will be stuck in an office turning into smeagles from lack of sunlight and developing hunchbacks from bending over desks.
Just remember, it hurts to lose friends, but just like a bout of stomach flu, you will get over it.